some brightness for my blue and grey
I am a textbook Pisces, bound by the stars to be emotional and reflective. I usually keep most of my end-of-year reflections to myself (perhaps this is my Aquarius moon speaking?), or bring them up to one or two other people in conversation, but I’ve decided to close 2021 with a written reflection for posterity.
I am happy.
There, I said it.
I’m saying it now before something changes, before life runs its course and deals me with a couple of wildcards; I’m saying it now, because I genuinely feel it. I haven’t felt this way in so long, it feels almost alien. I feel like I’m cosplaying a happier version of myself, and I kind of like it! This year was in no way easy. Neither was 2020, obviously — was it easy for anyone? No. So where is this happiness coming from?
Earlier this year, I wrote a piece about my formal ADHD diagnosis. It has not been easy, but I feel like I’ve gotten to the point where my grief has finally dissipated. ADHD comes with its general, day-to-day frustrations (poor working memory, the tendency to lose things — the list goes on and on), but I feel more at peace. I don’t feel like I have to really mask anymore; I can genuinely be myself — because I understand why my brain works the way it does. I ended my relationship with my therapist a couple of months ago due to financial constraints, but her lessons and the variety of coping mechanisms I learned and added to my toolbox have helped me come a long way. If this had been 2017 me, to be frank, I’d be six feet deep.
My current happiness, I’ve come to realize, doesn’t come from learning my diagnosis, it comes from the way I’ve handled it over the last few months. I’ve fucking cried — I’m a Pisces, remember? I’ve beaten myself up internally with my rejection-sensitive dysphoria in full force. I’ve dealt with a lot of crap at work. However — I see getting through all of this shit as an accomplishment in itself. I’ve tread currents flowing in the opposite direction, and I’ve won. I’ve emerged from the waves a little ragged and soaked to the bone, but I am triumphant.
Cheers to my former therapist; cheers to a medication that’s finally working to clean and oil the rusty cogs in my head, cheers to my beloved support system. Cheers to BTS for helping me kick-start my mental health journey back in 2017 and continuing to be my comfort.
Cheers to myself, for being cute and cool, despite it all. Shit happens. My brain machine might be a little broken, but I’m working on it, little by little.
And at the moment, I am happy.